Thursday, September 09, 2010

An open letter

Dear Drivers of New Orleans,

First of all, let me start this off by admitting some fault of my own. As a cyclist, I occasionally ride like to put this?...asshole. I occasionally ride like an asshole. I'd like to take just a moment to explain why I ride like an asshole - it's just a bit of simple arithmetic.

me + my bike = ~220 pounds

you + yr car = ~2000 pounds

So, on average, you have nearly 1800 pounds of sheer mass on me at any time. I only have a small number of things that make the difference between me getting home or to work safe, or getting dead: assholery, chutzpah, lights on my bike (which I have), and yelling at you when you fuck up driving.

Now that we have that out of the way, I'd like to move on to the point of this letter: who the FUCK taught all of you stupid, inconsiderate, lazy, mean, angry, selfish, doltish, fat fucking pieces of flaming shit how to drive? At what fucking point in your pointless, banal life did you decide to never use a goddamn fucking turn signal? When exactly did you figure out it was okay to yell, honk, and get pissed at bikers for simply riding on the road? And what the fuck gives you the fucking right to open your door into us and then get aggravated with us for not riding on the sidewalk, when it is impractical, inconvenient and OH YEA FUCKING ILLEGAL.

Ok, look, here's the thing - as much as all of you people and my ex-girlfriends wish I was, I'm not a fucking mind reader. I can't tell when you're going to turn right as I ride alongside of you. I don't know when you're going to run a red light to make a left turn. But luckily, someone thought of this dilemma at the dawn of the fucking automobile, and came up with a solution - one so common and simple and convenient that it comes standard on every vehicle - A FUCKING TURN SIGNAL. Fucking use it, you goddamn choad monster! Your hands are going to be turning that way anyways, and get this - it turns off automagically. How about that?!?!!

I don't really feel like getting into the whole "we're saving oil by not driving" argument, because I find it to be a slippery slope argument. But we're sure as shit keeping a car off the road by riding our bikes, and at the very least we're giving more road and parking spaces to you fucking turkey-necked asshats. Not that I would ever think of it as doing you, who I could give less than the one shit about, a favor. I like riding my bike.

By my conservative estimate, I've ridden somewhere between 7,000 and 9,000 miles on the roads of New Orleans. These are not isolated incidents - this is a pandemic of the worst fucking childish behavior I have ever seen. I've seen friends in the hospital because of you mouth breathers, in accidents that could have easily been avoided. To paraphrase Dominic, I hope the carcinogens in your truck give you and your whole family ass cancer.

To all the drivers who are considerate to bikers, use turn signals, give us the three feet REQUIRED BY LAW when driving past us, and don't get mad at us for no reason - thank you. But please tell all your dicknose driver buddies to stop fucking up.

Hugs and kisses,


At 12:42 PM, Blogger NOLAson said...


At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A request to all the annoying bikers in New Orleans:

Could y'all do the people who drive a favor and not ride your bikes on heavily traveled streets? St. Charles is a great street for y'all to ride on, there is plenty of room for drivers to pass you. Most of the other major streets don't have a shoulder when cars are parked and this makes it terribly difficult for us to pass you.

Please remember that you are riding your bike on the right hand side of the road and it is rather difficult for us to see how close we are when passing you on these narrow streets. There are a few feet of distance between the driver seat and the passenger mirror and we cannot see how close we are to you with any degree of accuracy. We try to look over and give you enough room, but we have to keep our eyes on the road to avoid hitting another car in a head on collision. Please understand that the majority of y'all tend to veer your bike when turning your head to see behind you and that makes it very nerve-racking to pass you. We try to give you your three feet, as dictated by the law, but we cannot maintain that distance when you swerve towards us.

Could you do us a favor and pull to the side when there is more than a single car driving behind you? It is very frustrating for us when you are traveling at 10 miles per hour on a road where the limit is 35 miles per hour. It is even more frustrating when you pass up a 15 foot gap in the parked cars and don't pull over to the side to let us pass. We assume that you aren't an asshole and don't realize that there are 10 cars stuck behind you. We try to communicate with you by honking the horn. We do not appreciate it when you then shoot the bird and start yelling obscenities at us for doing so.

We understand that you are supposed to ride on the street. You may not realize this, but we aren't always driving. We appreciate taking long walks and enjoy not having to share the sidewalk with a bike that whizzes past us at those times. Unfortunately, it isn't very feasible for us to take our children to school, transport our tools, and get to the job on time while riding a bike. We would be more than happy to save the gas money and ride a bike, but this isn't always possible.

Could y'all also not run red lights and stop signs. You may not realize this, but you are required, by law, to do so. We really hate it when you try to bike through the intersection right as the light turns red. You aren't as fast as you think and we have to sit by idly while you restrict our lane of travel.


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