Monday, February 20, 2006

On energy drinks

As much as we'd like to think differently, energy drinks still don't have as much caffeine as good ol' coffee (they have about half, from what I understand). But it seems like with the success of Red Bull and other assorted purveyers of the nectar of the gods, we've been confronted with an assault of pep. My two favorites earn dubious distinctions.

First up, Tab. Yep, the sultan of saccharin is back - only this time without the cancer. Coca-Cola opted for sucralose (Splenda) as the sweetener this time around, though a decade after the original Tab was pulled for causing cancer in lab rats the soda was put back on the market. (Side note: friends and I once had the "cancer challenge," wherein we had to drink a sixer of Tab and not get cancer. I won.) The new energy drink has a spiffy can and the Tab name...and tastes like garbage. Kinda tastes like banana a little (actual banana, which you don't expect from something so blatantly artificial), but mostly still tastes like cancer. Next!

Vault. Another gem produced by Coke, the company claims that it's trying to outduel Mountain Dew as the official drinks of mountain bikers, snowboarders, and other douchebags who can't seem to stop speaking at 3.2 DPS ("dudes" per sentence). I tried this stuff out the other day, and it seemed to bring me back a couple of years, though I couldn't quite figure it out. I decided to give it another go, and again the taste was unbelievably familiar. The I studied the bottle, the color of the drink, smelled it - and it hit me. Coke is bringing back that most vaunted of the covert energy drinks - SUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGE. That's right, kiddies, it's only a matter of time before your local Lazer Tag arena opens up again.


At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud in my school library at 3.2 DPS.

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Emily said...

I don’t know if this qualifies as an "energy drink" but remember that awful tasting "Nestea green tea" with the menthol in it? Which that awful guy in State College gave me saying "No one in my house likes this, but maybe you will."

At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Liz said...

dude - rock star is where it's at. that's what got me through midterms, tho my nerves were shot by the end and i thought i was going to have a heart attack (limbs shaking, smell of toast). and like the best energy drinks, it was bright-neon-piss-yellow!

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Face of Spades said...

Yeah, don't know who Liz is, but she is right spot on, boy howdy. ROCKSTAR!

At 10:18 AM, Blogger Rick said...

A) While we pay up to and over $2.00 american for one skinny can of Red Bull, the actual production cost for that same can (beverage included) is more like .13 cents. Go Figure.

B) I like the MDX, It's cheap as hell at Shaws, and my Brazilian Co-Workers like to sing along with that commercial, which kinda makes me happy for some reason.

C) LaZer Tag Rules

D) Challenge club ought to be brought back.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Drew said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Drew said...


Yes, that shit was gross. It burned my mouth and throat so much that it made me feel like I was getting mouthfucked by Satan.

You're stupid. But yes, I drank gallons of the stuff this summer. VIP has a limited selection.

Whatever ideas you might get, she's definitely NOT The Girl From New York.

Agreed on the last two counts.

At 2:40 PM, Anonymous Jelone said...

-Vault does taste kinda Surgey.
-i drank a lot of Monster and Omega during mid-terms. i like Omega because the warning reads like something off a carton o' cigarettes: it's bad for pregnant chixxx and will cause lung cancer.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Benny said...

Red Bull and vodka is a very popular drink where I'm from. I can't say I understand the appeal, but I'm a strictly G&T kinda girl, if I drink at all.

I drink a triple shot latte every morning. This is because I wake up at 2:30 AM to get ready for work. Lord love me for a fool.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Benny said...

I do not run up hills, Drew. I run up mountains. And technically, I'm not a geriatric... yet.

Drew, you do have impeccable taste. Especially in hats.




Post a Comment

<< Home