Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dear John Cusack

Dear Mr. Cusack,

How are you? I think you're great. You're one of my favorite actors, and many of your movies rank near the top of all-time favorites list. I just watched One Crazy Summer again the other day - it's brilliant! Whatever happened to Savage Steve Holland? His movies were so revolutionary and we could use another few of them around.

A little while ago, my male friends and I struggled to find a way to express how we feel about you - we all admire your ability to be with women in movies, your everyman sensibilities and your general good-natured personality, both in movies and from what we have seen in real life. You also keep a low Hollywood profile, you keep your nose clean, you have a good relationship with your family, and your politics are top-notch. After much discussion and debate, we came up with the term "man-crush" for how we feel about you. This basically means that we admire you in a deeply affectionate Platonic way, but, given the opportunity and/or motive, we would probably like to take walks in the park with you, cook good food for you, get to know your family, and, yes, probably sleep with you.

All that said, I was writing to see how it was that I could go about talking with girls. I know you're not married, but I feel like you must have picked up a thing or two along the way and can pass some sage-like advice to a guy who just doesn't know how to meet girls. I've had a few long-term girlfriends - lived with them both, in fact - but I seem to have a lot of trouble talking to girls and keeping them interested. I'm not the most exciting guy, but I'm certainly not the dullest, either. (It took all I had to keep a movie reference out till then. Won't let it happen again.) How do I just go up and talk to girls I think are cute? I'm normally not _that_ shy, but when it comes to this, I seem pretty hopeless. Any tips you can give me would be infinitely helpful. Thank you!




At 2:17 PM, Blogger Dirt said...

Dear Drew,

While not John Cusack, ole Dirt's no slouch with the ladies. I've frenched more than 1.

Here are my tips on talking to girls.

- everyone says, 'be yourself'. well, that doesn't seem to be working for you. Try being someone else. Lie your ass off. OK, just kidding, but a little false confidence goes a long way.

- everyone says, 'nice guys finish last'. This is true, but is ok if you hate racing and think of love as a many-splendored thing as opposed to a foot race style competition with stupid jock assholes.

- second guess the mustache. sorry, Dirt loves it, ladies don't. turns out mustaches are for a) pedophiles, b) cops, c) gay men from the '70s, not cool indie kids.

- don't be the first one to tell an amusing anecdote. over-eager beaver ends up whacking of to my comics, not lovin' the ladies. let other people tell stories, then wing in, (occasionally)with one great story to knock their socks off. this makes you seem mysterious and as far as I can tell, mysterious=sexy.

- if you like a girl, make her a mix tape or cd. if it's a cd, put extra care into the case and song selection. In answer to 'what would cusack do' it's certainly this.

- humor. being funny is great, because it puts most ladies at ease. if you make them feel comfortable, they're easier to get to know, and vice versea. BUT do not just pick one weaker minded person and mock them mercilessly. nobody likes a bully, at least not the girls you like. also, don't just rely on others for humor - remember the kid who knew every line of the holy grail, and quoted them non-stop? he never got laid.

- notice haircuts. that's just a nice thing to do.

- DUDE YOU MUST CHILL, when in doubt, be mellow, because it's all good. i mean, you could've been born a biafra baby, right? you should thank the baby jesus you're able to have 'woman' troubles rather than say 'police killing your family' troubles.

hope that helps, big guy.

love the blog, bee tea dub.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger TR said...

I second Drew. I also will cook for you, Mr. Cusack.

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Crystal said...

Hey Drew! I have a blog too now. Let's be blog friends! Yah! (trying hard to get the counter up past 4)

Also, if the question is "What Would Lloyd Dobbler Do?" I think the answer is sheer persistence. Even blasting "In Your Eyes" outside the girl's window didn't work right away (she must have been made of stone), he just had to keep at it:)

At 5:15 PM, Blogger Wes said...

Dear Mr. Stephan,

I think you're great, and a real hero for our generation. I appreciate your honesty and your home-made lobe candy.

Asking John for advice with ladies takes some real stones, and don't think we don't appreciate what you're trying to do for non-douche-kind by doing it publicly.

I could go on, but I think I'll close with a parting thought. If you're struggling with the ladies, then maybe it's not you who needs to change. Hmmm...

(Still doesn't get you laid, though. C'est la vie.)

At 1:09 AM, Blogger j. leo said...

Dear father of Miss Steve Perry,

Perhaps you are too late. I believe that the slacker, man-crush torch has been passed to Paul Rudd. Have you seen the Cuse recently? Sad to say, but he hasn't had any grat roles since High Fid and is starting to look a little lumpy. Just a thought.



At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Jelone said...

be honest. i said to michelle, "i wanna be on you," and then suddenly i was. also, don't talk about pooping. the dames hate it.

At 10:46 PM, Blogger TR said...

He's a vegan???

At 12:40 PM, Blogger Crystal said...

Okay Drew, you've been coasting on this fine post for too long my friend. Time to dust off the thinking hat and amaze us all again with your wit and cleverness. I like this letter format. How about a letter to Condaleeza Rice or Tom from Myspace?


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